Relationships are dynamic – when they stop being collaborative they die on the vine.
I’ve tried to think of us as the ultimate long distance relationship, but the thing is this: I keep growing, and I’m growing past you. You’re static, exactly where we left off, but I’m light years past that now. Your death, and ALL the bullshit that came along afterwards, has propelled me into a completely different world. I try to imagine you in bed next to me giving me one of your pep talks, but it’s just a memory. I’m alone with this – all of it. Erin’s heartlessness, the pointless fight over your Life Insurance money, losing the kids, the ruinous debacle at the school, my decision to not run for office, the blooming 8ft weeds in the backyard, the broken cars, my empty bank account, my debilitating depression… fuck.
I’m glad to hear that you’re visiting friends in their dreams – it sounds like you, the stories they report, and so I believe that you are with us. I’d love it if you came to me in a dream again, but that’s all I have to hope for with you – a cryptic vision from my subconscious, a Jungian interpretation. What I don’t have is your support. I don’t have you to forge ahead with.
I took my wedding ring off. I know you’re not coming back. It’s over.