I Only Feel Relief

by muddy feet mama

elephant tightrope

It’s hard for me to get angry any more.  I’m not sure if it’s because my adrenals are shot from the last few years or because I have gained greater perspective on life.  Probably a combination of the two.  Still, I’ve noticed things that would have surely outraged me in the past are now rolling off my back with little effort.  It’s nice.  It’s liberating.  Sure, I wish I could share those things with Jay, but I don’t even feel like I need to anymore.  Even if this is just a phase I’m glad it’s happening now.

One reason is because I am leaving my position on the school board, right at a moment when the many successes and real changes I’ve been proud to make are being eclipsed by the ways in which the District will never change.  You cannot expect an elephant to walk a tight rope.  There are things a giant can do that smaller things cannot, but to be outraged at the giant because you need the expertise of a smaller thing is absurd.  It’s disappointing – understandably so – but clinging to the unrealistic will not get you what you need.

I won’t lie, I am too much of an idealist to last in a system of gamesmanship.  I expect honesty where others expect deceit.  At the end of my tenure I am more subjected to the later than I expected, and from all sides, yet it doesn’t phase me.  Perhaps because I am leaving – my investment in the future is not burdened by these machinations.  Or perhaps because I accept and love the players in this drama, despite their machinations.  Whatever the case, I am free of it.

I feel the same towards Erin Murphy now, too.  She has lived a life of deceit and self-absorption.  That she did what she did to our family is not a surprise.  You can’t expect the insane to behave with clarity and kindness.  She inflicted more pain than any of us deserved, but was there any way around her machinations?  It was the drama that was destined to play out.  I am on the other side of it now, and relieved to be rid of her.

Gamesmanship and deceit will eventually become toxic to those involved.  I see the anger on people’s faces who want the District to be more than it is capable of being.  I know the fury I felt towards Erin, the liar who of course lied.  As I walk away from my role with the District and accept my simplified parenthood I only feel relief.  The farther I am from other people’s ulterior motives the happier I am.