muddy feet memoirs

The Chronicle of My Comeback

The Chronicle of My Comeback

Unmade Bed, Sally Strand sallystrand.com

“Unmade Bed”        Sally Strand

 

This morning I changed the tagline of this blog.  It used to read “Growing Kids, Raising Vegetables, Building Family, and Facing Cancer.”  Now it simply reads “The Chronicle of My Comeback.”

My first blog post was written right before I collected Jay from the hospital, just after his first lung surgery.  In fact I was late picking him up because I was so enthralled with the start of it!  Muddy Feet Memoirs was meant to be a forum to explore our backyard farming and self-sufficiency experiments, but over time it became a cancer blog more than anything else. Now I’m not sure what it is.

I’m back down to one kid, Stella, though I look forward to when Quinn and Mac decide to run away from their awful mother and come back.  Door’s always open.

My garden has gone to seed, though Food Rescue keeps me pretty well stocked with produce.  It’s hard to relearn how to cook for one or two, and I feel kind of deflated when I garden without Jay, but my backyard homestead is the cornerstone of my future, so back in the saddle I climb.

I am writing a book.  I am finishing Jay’s book.  I am raising a daughter alone.  I plan on selling heritage meats (chicken, turkey, rabbit), teaching canning workshops, stocking my larder and reclaiming my backyard farm.  I will grow herbs for my cancer-patient friends.  I will finish the grey water system and survive the drought.  I may or may not run for office again.  I’ll occasionally leave the house and make the scene.  I still wear my wedding ring and sleep on my side of the bed.  I will learn to enjoy solitude.

These are a few topics for Muddy Feet Memoirs 2.0, the chronicle of my comeback.  I’m actually starting to look forward to it.

 

The Hard Road of New Beginnings

newmoon

Depression has been overtaking me lately.  It’s been hard not to have Jay’s shoulders to lean on, ears to bend, brain to pick.  He could always tell when I started to slip – he said my eyes got grey.  If he were here now he would say it looked like rain.  His kids are gone, the garden has gone to seed, Food Rescue needs attention…  I dreamt that Jay held my face in his hands and said “It’s your time now,” but I don’t know how to make anything of it.  I cry a lot.  Decisions that I would have shared with him, insights, crossroads, are all mine to face alone.  I guess it’s my time now.

One strange benefit of grief is that it changes the filter through which you view your everyday life.  Yes, on certain days my joy seems to leach out of me through my tear ducts.  The work that once brought me meaning can seem hollow.  I am no longer the mother of three, the partner of the dying saint… my school board term is up and I failed to prepare my farm for much of anything.   With so much stripped away at least I can observe what’s left with a certain level of detachment (and a touch of malaise).  Grief has given me distance and a new perspective on the things that make up my life.

For instance, tonight I find myself considering the difference between service and servitude, and I think the distinction lies in whether you are able to serve yourself in the equation.  Service has always been a constant theme in my life, and I expect it will continue to be, but as I consider the future I have to challenge myself – where do I factor in?  Do I serve at my own expense?  If so, that’s no way to build a future.  It’s my time now.

I write this on what was supposed to be the luckiest astrological day of the year for me – the new moon in Leo – yet I could barely get out of bed.  If I am going to make my own luck I’ll to have to start conceptually, reevaluating what’s left in my life and seeing if it makes the cut – if it serves my future as I serve others.  Am I valued?  Am I able to grow?  Is there a clear benefit for me, and is it understood by the people involved?  Is there respect?  Do I like the path forward?  Yes, I know – I come to this kind of thinking late, my 47th birthday in just a few weeks.  Still, it’s my time now.  No time like the present.  I just wish Jay were here for it.

Dear Jay #1: The Very Single Life

Image

Dear Jay,

I took a bath tonight with the Tired Old Ass bath salts that Connie gave you.  I searched the Mixed Tapes app on my phone for witchy goddess music to chill to but found darker tunes about laughing at funerals, which I liked much more.  I laid in the bath looking up at the laundry drying on the retractable clothesline above me, a device I’ve been using the last few weeks and loving.  My guess is that you would have loved it less than I do.  It makes the clothes kind of stiff, and there would be (almost) no way to keep up with our family of 5, but it’s just me and Stella now.  I’m curious to see what the PG&E bill will look like this month.

It’s funny to me that I’m just now using a clothesline in my life.  I think it’s because you were the domestic force of the family, and it would have been a drag to add an extra step to what seemed like a never-ending laundry cycle.  But I really like it.  I like looking into the bathroom – just beside the laundry room – and seeing our linens on a line.  And no one had to schlep them 3 stories down into the garden!  And then 3 stories back up!  That fact I know we would have both dug.

I’ve been reticent to write on the blog because I’ve been having such a hard time emotionally, and this is a public place, and some of that stuff had to be just-between-us in my journal or in prayer. But tonight as I looked up at the clothesline and listened to what my phone called American Gothic Horror Story (or something) I reflected on the little ways in which my life has become ‘more mine’ since you died…   I know that wouldn’t bum you out to hear it.  It’s interesting, and not all bad.  I would trade it all back if I could, but I am finding a few worthwhile life changes in amongst the days of sadness.

For instance, remember that guy Chris we met at the Food Rescue fundraiser in December, the one with the avocado tree?  I finally went back and picked up the 250 gallon food-grade container he promised me.  Not sure how I’m going to get it over the fence (it sure won’t fit through the door!) but soon I will install it under the garden stairs for grey water – YES! – from the bath and laundry upstairs!  I’ll have to check Tired Old Ass for ingredients that might not be good for the tomatoes.

Even before you died I began making similar decisions on my own.  It might have seemed strange from the outside, but as you transitioned so did I.  Nearly 47 years old and I have never lived on my own terms, alone, with no one to compromise with or convince of my hair-brained ideas.  Orange couch?  yep.  Laundry detergent for the garden?  yep.  I have certainly found myself in situations that could have used your voice of reason, but I’m getting my sea legs.  Yo Ho Ho, it’s the single life for me.  :/

It’s been odd for me to learn (or be inspired)  to cook for just one or two, especially since so much of my “end times” stockpiling was for a family of four!  Nina and I share afternoon meals together occasionally, and of course we all still try to make it for Family Dinner Night on Thursdays….  it has been the one stable thing with all four of us since you left.

Lastly, I’ve been giving things away.  Your clothes have been through a few cycles of review and release.  I hope to donate your suits and such to a deserving transman – I have Erik on the case.  This morning I decided to look – again – at the books…  some to reorganize, some to send to Faith Food Fridays (where a lot of your clothes have gone), some to set aside for Quinn when she makes the leap to full-on adult reading – I imagine she’ll be happy to read what you once loved.  As I combed through the shelves I came across a book I gave you as a Christmas gift when we first started dating in 2008 – the supremely dated Esquire Good Grooming For Men, c) 1969.  In it I found the card I wrote, which  said “Jay – Raise a glass to the first Christmas of your new life.  I can’t tell you what it means to me to be a part of it.  I love you – Adrienne.”  Now it’s the summer of my new life.  I’m trying to cut down on the glasses I’m raising, and holding onto the small celebrations of this new world I’m in without you.  Like my clothesline.

I miss you so much.

-A

 

Springing Forward – Today in Pictures

rabbitToday my first baby rabbits were born.  I’ve counted 5 so far.  They are little squirmy fingerling potatoes buried under hay & the fur of their mother.

hungry jay

Baby Jay continues to grow.  She has shed most of her down and started to fly a bit yesterday.  Today she is in a larger cage so that she may stretch her wings.

tomato bed

The tomatoes have been planted.

pickled cauliflower

Pickled cauliflower kicked off the canning season.

roses

The roses fill the air with perfume.

apples

Apples have gone from bud to fruit.

drying rack

Garlic and onions dry on the rack.

artichokes

Artichokes beg to be featured at every meal.

eggs

The chickens continue to pay their rent.

potatoe starts

Potato starts cure in anticipation of being planted this weekend.

quan Yin

And Quan Yin quietly keeps watch over the rosemary and favas.

Life goes on.  Thanks for stopping by.

 

Baby Jay

baby jay

Jay has died.  He died early on March 23, 2014.  I have so much to write about that I have been unable to write…  It will come.  Today I have a very short story for you.

This morning Ira, my sweet little man who lost his father to cancer a year and a half ago, accompanied Stella and me to school in the truck.  As we bumped along he asked us “Has Jay been to visit you yet?”  I told him honestly No, as did Stella.  Ira said, “Well, I just saw him in a dream.  He was drinking beer with my dad.”  To which Stella asked “Was it Fat Tire?  Fat Tire was Jay’s favorite.”  Ira said “Yeah, it was Fat Tire.  My dad was drinking Dos Exes.  They were smoking cigarettes – Jay had his little tobacco with him.”  I told him that was excellent.

I dropped them at school and came home to work in the garden.

In all honesty, I have not slept for months. The memorial service on Saturday seemed to last – on some level – through Monday.  I have barely gotten out of bed till today.  I chose today to tend to the garden.  Spring is more than warm in Vallejo right now, but I have tomatoes and green beans to plant, and a wild garden to consider.  Once I was out there I couldn’t stop futzing.

I have a pregnant rabbit, due any day now.  I planted a 4×12 bed of tomatoes.  I let a rooster out to graze despite the code violation.  The artichokes are coming in hard and fast.

In my compulsion to be outside I made yet another pass, maybe 10 minutes after my last pass, and I saw Cow sniffing at a little grey fluff on the ground just under the oak tree, just beside the rabbit hutches.

A baby Scrub Jay lay on the ground.  She clearly had just hopped out of her nest.  I scooped her up and she nestled into my hand – just a few feathers had replaced her down.  She could not fly.  I carried her to a garden bed and dug with my free hand for worms – she seemed disinterested.  I brought her upstairs, placed her into a cloth napkin and put her in a casserole dish near the sink.  I covered her with a lid – off kilter for air – and Googled how to care for baby Jays.  Seems it’s not legal to care for wild birds…  I then went to our local feed store – Powell’s – and they sold me a small cage and baby bird formula.  So arrest me.

Poetically there remained one last syringe from Jay’s last days – one through which  I fed him Phenobarbital, Methadone,  liquid Ativan and/or Morphine…   one that somehow missed the purge of all things medical after Jay died.  Today I found that last syringe and it fed our baby Jay the contraband formula hustled from the streets of Vallejo.

When I picked Ira and Stella up from school I told them about the new baby Jay, how it seemed like a sign.  Ira said “I hope Jay visits me again.”

I can’t help thinking it really was a visit.  Another Jay for me to love, care for, and let go.  Brings me joy.  Makes me wonder.

Happy Birthday Quinn, My Brave 12 Year Old

quinn and jay

Tomorrow we celebrate Quinn’s birthday – she asked for “Family Birthday Dinner,” which brought me nothing but joy to hear.  Every Thursday we celebrate Family Dinner – last week it was just me, Stella, Susan & Stan.  This week it’s all of us….  almost.  I’m so excited to have all the kids overnight for the first time in weeks.  It’s good to have my kids under the roof all together again.

quinn and jay2

Live Like Jay

Live like jay

Jay is dead.  He died early morning on Sunday March 23rd, 2014.  I have many, many blog posts in my mind – things I’ve reflected on during this past month – but today I have something more immediate to say.

Jay was the kind of person who made friends easily and kept them forever.  People were drawn to his warmth, his quick humor, his earnest interest in others.  Jay was a writer and moved people with his honesty and optimism.  People started looking up to Jay.  He had followers.  He influenced people and inspired them to live fully.  Our friend Mara found a picture online – graffiti on the side of a wall somewhere – that said “Live Like Jay.”  It became a Facebook phenomena in our little world.  People started using that phrase.  They took it to heart.

Living Like Jay means being a good person.  Choosing right actions.  Prioritizing family.  Being brave.  Being in love.  Finding the good in whatever we’re faced with.  Together we were each other’s anchor, each other’s reality check, and now I have to learn to Live Like Jay.  Or rather I no longer have him to talk to after the kids go down.  I can’t ask him to talk me out of a tree.  I am unable to lean on him as my moral compass…  I just have to reflect on those times and learn to do it by myself.

As I watched him die slowly – weeks went by – I bore witness to his process.  His life reflections, or his astral travel, or hallucinations – whatever you want to think.  I laid on our bed with my head at the foot, watching him from below as he pantomimed this process (his hospital bed next to me).  He enjoyed people’s company, broke bread and relished long meals, chose books to read, taught his children to cook, made grocery lists and menus…  his last weeks were filled with dreams of things that made up his life.  He was sweet and content.  It gave me some relief from the great sadness of watching him go.

It struck me, as I took notes at the deathbed of my true love, that this life may only have one single purpose – to choose love as deeply and as frequently as possible.  That our time here (oh yes, my thoughts on the afterlife developed during this time too) can be boiled down to how well we chose love over lesser things – money, prestige, power.  Kindness is a hard practice sometimes.  Honesty, integrity, compassion are easy for us to postpone for more immediate goals.  Being a good person is extremely under-rated.  Yet I wonder about the life reflections of people less content than Jay…  how their shame and hollow choices may influence their last days’ dreams.  We make our own hell, and I think that may be it.

I was immediately tested after Jay passed and I have struggled this whole past week, grappling with how to respond to an ugly power play by his ex, Erin.  She intends to take the Life Insurance in whole.  I was made beneficiary because she is manic with money.  Jay wants to see the majority of it saved for his kids for when they are entering adulthood – something he cannot help them do.  She will no doubt burn through it in a year.  She kicked him out 5 years ago but allowed him continued access to her health care – about 2 million dollars worth of it in the end.  Imagine how stunned I was to hear that she had called the mortuary the morning after he died to make claim to him as her “legal domestic partner.”  She wasted no time.  It’s disgusting.

And so there I was on Monday afternoon, March 24:  Jay has been dead for maybe 38 hours, I’m still surrounded by Jay’s dirty sheets, the catheter and wet diapers and empty pill bottles left behind after his body was taken from me in a big white bag…  and I’m faced with this selfish, mean, underhanded situation.

If I am to Live Like Jay, how?

I think of our kids.  Jay and I worked the entire 4 years of his cancer treatment to ensure a sense of stability for the kids.  They know that things are not as they were promised.  They know that being kept from me is not what Jay wanted.  I must model the behavior they need to see.  Animosity supports their life in no way.  I will be kind when I want to lash out.

I think of Jay’s optimism.  He wanted to see that money last for his kids because he couldn’t, but if it goes then it goes.  If Erin lights it on fire then the kids will know that.  Jay and I showed the kids how to live simply with joy and a love of good things.  They will always have that.  That is really his inheritance to them.

And I think of the love we had (and I still have).  I have lost Jay.  Nothing else can be taken from me – not of substance.  If the small amount Jay intended for me is available I will use it to support the kids.  If not I will still support the kids.

It is an easy vortex to get sucked into, when a person is trying to pull a fast one and treats you like garbage, but I choose to resist.  Every night this week I have laid on our bed alone, trying to pull my thoughts out of the smog of Erin’s tricks.  And then I remembered to Live Like Jay, and the smog lifted.

From Partner to Caregiver: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

dancing with death

For those of you who might think we’re the perfect couple, saints embraced, waltzing our way to the after life, allow me to burst your bubble.  I spent the day PISSED OFF at Jay – like “Go Fuck Yourself” pissed off.  All because of something he said last night – something he has no recollection of today.

His mind is starting to waver.

(Insert your favorite expletive here – and if you really want to feel it with me, scream it at the light posts from your front porch).

No need to go into details about last night because they no longer matter.  One of the great heartbreaks of ushering your partner into death is that you are helping them leave you.  Your love for each other (hopefully) gets stronger but your partnership weakens, like the body.  Early death is a mandated breakup, one that is best done with pure love and devotion.  It’s a paradox.  What’s worse is that it is not shared equally, as everything else should be in marriage.  The quality of the breakup is on the shoulders of the one being left.  It’s fucked up.

Please feel free to scream at light posts anytime.

Jay and I both think he’s got about 1-2 weeks.  His symptoms are spot-on. His memory loss has been creeping up on him, but tonight’s revelation – saying something uncharacteristically mean to me and having no memory of doing it – that’s new.  My hope is that it’s because we were already having a heated conversation about his ex’s determination to take the kids from me.  I guess that business is just between me and Erin now.  And the courts, but that’s another story.

Suffice it to say, it’s my job to keep him at ease no matter what’s going on in my life.  I’m moving from partner to caregiver.  I can sense the breakup on the horizon.

Ce la vie.   Ce la mort.

Jay’s New Digs in the Land of Nod

Sleep

This picture hangs in our bedroom, an artifact passed down from  Jay’s grandmother – or great-grandmother?  It is a sweet Victorian print that – as artwork – makes little sense amongst our collection of ethnic textiles and modern paintings.  A child safely sleeping in the woods, protected by the vigilant devotion of the family dog…  we keep it on the wall above Jay’s dresser.

Jay has moved into the phase of death in which he sleeps most of the time.  Seventeen hours of sleep doesn’t leave a lot of time for things in this world, but it’s my impression that plenty is getting done in the Land of Nod.

Unlike the dreams I’ve seen Jay have in the years we’ve shared a bed, his hours asleep seem filled with pleasant conversations.  He pantomimes eating (something he’s given up in this world) – even brushes off his beard!  His hands are folded in prayer, pointing and beckoning to folks he’s glad to see, writing with a stylus, typing something on his chest…  he woke up for a split-second this morning with a smile on his face, said “Hey baby,” then went right back to where he had been, the place that smile originated.

About twenty years ago when my grandmother was dying she told my father (her oldest) that is was as if she was going to the Land of Nod.  Raised in Ireland I assumed it was a remnant of her childhood.  Now I think differently.

Jay has been extricating himself from this world for some time.  He has been letting go of the things he can’t take with him, helping us adapt to life without him incrementally.  Supposedly you can’t take anything with you when you go but I’m starting to question the certainty of that…  maybe upon your last breath you leave with just your soul, but I get the feeling that Jay’s been packing and moving pretty actively these days.  We know his heart is big enough to be in two places…   I’m charmed to think his appetite is still with him somewhere he can enjoy it!

In this world he’s giving away his photographs and clothes, and in that world he is settling in – sharing embraces and breaking bread with his new neighbors.  The Land of Nod.  Is it heaven?  Or, as Mormon missionaries would recognize, a kind of Missionary Training Center – a place between places?  Jay has no memory of these seventeen hour dreams when he wakes up, but I can tell he is happy to be there.  Which brings me comfort as I watch his body slip away.

Jay Feb 25 2014

Gestation and the Inevitable

religious_symbols_death

I’m sorry this blog seems so damn heavy.  Honestly, our family life is not terribly different than most others – the ex dismisses the value of the step, kids are vying for attention due to their developmental stages and their life circumstances, parents routinely set aside their personal time to discuss how best to address the needs of the kids…  laundry, dishes, pets, homework, respect, manners, kindness, showers, tooth brushing, bed time reading (yes we continue to read to the kids), etc. …  and the whole business of one of us dying.  That’s not so common, but still not uncommon.  It’s life as a family.

I find it easy to reflect on the importance of serving the kids – without a doubt the most difficult and transformative time of their lives!  We are determined to get it right and maximize everything positive that’s possible (as best we can).  I even find it easy to report on the incredible power Jay and I have found in facing his death together – death, the pinnacle of anyone’s life, here for me to help usher Jay into as the magnificent release we all deserve.  Wow!  My true honor to be a part of.  God put me here for a reason.

But here’s the funny part – just like pregnancy, if it’s natural, death isn’t sudden.  It develops – the body (and the partners) change over the course of this natural phase.  We are not the same people we were when this whole thing started to happen.  We may have been distracted with all the hoo-haa surrounding these changes, but at the end we are not the people we were when we started.  We have lost and gained and lost and gained along the way.  When I was pregnant it was the transformation of me into a parent, and now it is the transformation into a single mother of three – a widow – an independence this experience has already been preparing me for.  Just like pregnancy, actively walking your partner to the edge of life is a process.  We are deep into gestation.  Soon the world will change.  And yet it won’t.

It was months ago that I started to mourn the loss of my dinner-date partner.  As if to prepare me prematurely, Jay’s interest in food started to wane even before his last chemo option.  First I was crest-fallen, then grateful to engage whatever interest in dining he had at all.  This was Fall of 2013.  I have let go of the Dad at the Dinner Table, though he occasionally joins us with a bowl of cereal…  preparing meals without Jay in mind has already been incorporated into my thought process.  Maybe we’ll call that First Trimester.  I miss the old “free and easy” life where our sushi date night was an every-other-Friday kid-free highlight.  I’ve let go of that now.  Time and circumstances have dictated the new norm.

Second Trimester was a bit more vague – like most pregnancies.  The drama still unfolded but all-in-all it wasn’t all that dramatic.  Jay slept a bit more – and more.  His pain was no longer managed successfully with conventional treatment.  Hospice was a relief, in part because we thought of it as early and wise.  Technically, Jay is still not “actively dying.”  Our kids have a bereavement counselor who already sees them (at the house) and who they love.  We have set it up as best we can…  Yancey, Jay’s sister, seems to be coming down every-other week.  She lends a sense of normalcy for the kids, a supreme housekeeping power to a neglected home, and an anchor to Jay as he makes plans to meet their ancestors soon.

Mormons have a beautiful concept of the pre-existence,  which of course easily lends itself to the continuation of life’s journey into the after life (likely the very same place).  Jay imagines his post-life job as watching the arrival and departure  boards – welcoming people (especially those of us who may not have family waiting at the gate) and sending people off…  Quinn’s children are what comes to mind for him.  He expects having to traverse beautiful hills and lovely beaches – probably on his “heavenly” bike – to get from place to place.  His dream job:  Riding his bike up God’s Own Hills to wish his unborn grandchild Au revoir.  Such a good grand dad…

This week I can see the third trimester is upon us.  I lean against Jay’s shoulder in bed, late at night, and hear his irregular breathing.  His cancer is consuming his lungs.  He uses his oxygen machine more regularly.  He can’t seem to fully wake up if he hasn’t awoken naturally.  Pot cookies might encourage an extra bowl of cereal, but gone are the days of actual eating.  We ordered his hospital bed today – something he never thought he’d do.  It will come on Monday and then we will sleep apart.  I have learned how to hold his hand while beside him in his hospital bed – we have spent many, many nights in hospitals together – but this is the harbinger of new our life as partners…  I promise he will die beside me, hospital bed or not.  But still, the bed comes Monday.  My ability to lean against him and feel his breathing will be forever one step removed.  Just another step towards the inevitable – same path we started way back when – but still a surprise when considering the radical thing that comes next.

I’ve been nesting (when depression lets me out of bed).  I am starting to consider the room that will one day be mine alone…  I’m seeing dark browns, coppers and reds.  Textiles on every wall.  Tibetan thankas and Afghani carpets.  Perhaps the Third trimester is for Jay.  Perhaps a First trimester awaits me soon afterwards…

Tomorrow the kids go see the new Lego movie with Yancey.  I hope to plant part of the Spring garden and prepare our bedroom for Jay’s new bed.  Our Food Rescue folks will collect from the Farmers’ Market and by evening we will have hopefully fed a few more Vallejo families.  There are two candles lit on our mantle – one for a friend with cancer in Oregon, one for the step-son of a friend who has attempted suicide for the 3rd time.  Please, if you have been moved to pray, include these folks in your petitions.  Our gestation is going pretty smoothly.  Our friends maybe not so much.

Thanks for checking in.  I’ll keep ya posted.  -A

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 750 other followers